I have been on this journey of figuring out how to grow healthy relationships in my life.
Relationships matter to me, it plays a big role in my identity, my decisions, and the mood I bring into my days. Maybe to a certain extent relationship with others matter too much to me.
I always thought that giving 100% of myself and always putting others first was the recipe for good strong relationships. I could not be more wrong. Having good, healthy relationships with other people start with having a good relationship with yourself.
Here are somethings I have learned as I have started this journey of inner work and connecting (or reconnecting) to my authentic self:
1. Always keep 2% to yourself. In everything that you do, in every relationship you pour yourself into, every ministry you share your energy with; never give away 100% of yourself. There will be moments when you only have yourself to rely on to push yourself through that season. Keep 2% to yourself at all times.
2. Never try to fit in. If you need to fit in to belong (quotes from Brene Brown), they are not meant for you. There are some personalities that are just not meant to be besties and that is okay. We should love all people, you do not need to like all people. Forced relationships are draining, don’t put yourself in that position.
3. Never abandon yourself for other people. I often find myself abandoning my truths (by true feelings) to keep a person in my life. The thing with that is, if I abandon myself for that person, and that person abandons me — I will feel and grow further away from myself that that would be fatal to my mental and emotional health. My mentor told me that “if someone abandons you, you will survive and heal. If you abandon yourself (and continue to do so in every relationship), you will not survive that”. If someone is asking you to abandon yourself (and your truth), make that a non-negotiable (aka boundary).
There are more learnings that I might share in the near future. But I wanted to share these 3 discoveries with all of you because I want you to know that to have a good relationship with others you need to have a good relationship with yourself. You need to have the courage to be truthful to yourself, your boundaries, your thoughts, your feelings. I am not saying you have permission to be rude, I am reminding us all that we have the freedom to express our truth in our relationships.
There is nothing more confusing than being in a relationship (romantic or friendship) with someone that does not know themselves. It becomes surface level, and eventually your conversations become toxic because you start talking about other people instead of allowing each other to connect to the authentic versions of yourselves. That is draining.
Before you wonder what is wrong with my relationship or the other person, take a step back and ask yourself if you are showing up for yourself? Are you showing up in each relationship as your authentic self? When you speak, do you speak your truth or are you hiding behind a plastic, masked version of yourself to fit in, to be accepted, to not feel lonely?
Only when you start showing up for yourself, do you then find your tribe (aka authentic relationships).
